she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
