I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
