My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
