my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
