I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
