Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
