i already hear my dad disowning me
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Less talking, more tequila
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
