I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
