I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
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Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
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There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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