Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
OPIZZABONMYDICK
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
