Got a toothbrush?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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