I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
