so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Sober January is a disaster.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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