i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
