apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
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Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
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When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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