when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
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Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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