there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
