if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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