I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
