so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
