i was born a porn star she said
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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