Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
