Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just want nice things and good sex
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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