I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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