Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
