Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
