I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
