im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
