I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
