i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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