I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
