You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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