Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
