I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
