here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
