Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
