I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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