Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
