Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
