I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
