The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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