i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
