he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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