I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
A+ Viking dick
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
