She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
