the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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