Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
