Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
