the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
