I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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