you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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