I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
