I just pynch a tree in the face
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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