If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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