Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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