i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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