She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
